Lost and Found: a Mother’s Identity Crisis

In one of my previous posts: Waves of Loneliness, I discussed how I was thrust into adulthood, marriage and motherhood much faster than I had planned or was ready for. I suppose life has a habit of rushing past most of us before we can catch our breath. In addition to battling depression, health issues and loneliness I’ve also been dealing with what most mothers of young children do: lost identity. Let’s be completely honest here, no matter how much a person prepares, NOBODY is ever really ready for kids! between burping, bathing, feeding, clothing, kissing boo boos, solving problems, cleaning, rocking, teaching and directing tiny emotional humans you kind of start losing yourself. But let’s back pedal a little, shall we? Who was I BEFORE kids?

before kids I sang songs everyday all day like a Disney princess! I walked a mile to work every morning, stood on my feet all day and still had the energy to walk back home when I was done. In between work and Choir I wrote and directed my own musical TWICE! (well the first time I was the co-writer and director but it was still a lot of work). I was creative, adventurous and vibrant. I loved the arts and was working on my own movie scripts and books. I enjoyed being involved in my church and community and helping whoever I could. I was disorganized most of the time but still got things done.

But once I had kids it was ALL over!!!! It’s been years since I’ve written more than a page in my books or scripts. until now I had no time for blogging, going on adventures, or even singing. Actually due to acid reflux, depression and lack of time I’ve not been able to sing like I used to at all. my voice is shot! giving birth/pregnancy completely destroyed my breath control and without time to do exercises I’ve not been able to regain it. I’ve not been in a choir or had any creative outlets in ages! instead of a singer I’ve become a teacher. instead of an adventurer I’ve become a maid. I’ve taken on so many new roles I’ve lost touch with all the other wonderful things that made me, me. I’m not saying this to scare women from ever wanting children. being a mom is the most amazing thrilling experience I’ve ever had! and this lack of time and space I’m dealing with right now is temporary. However, it’s impossible to really know HOW temporary. it will depend on a lot; my ability to manage my time, my children’s individual needs, what kind of job I’m working ect.

The good news for me is I’m finally finding time to do the things I love again and it feels great! In fact today I was able to combine my interest in singing with my desire to learn Mandarin and I sang a Chinese song and recorded it for my youtube channel! its not the best quality, I’m still saving up for proper equipment and my voice is still not where I want it to be. but it feels amazing to be posting on wordpress and youtube and working towards my dreams again. I just need to stay disciplined.

If you are a mom out there dealing with a loss of identity, hang in there! never stop trying to find time to do the things you love. you’ll get it all back eventually and feel yourself again. as a bonus motivator remind yourself its also important that your kids see you reaching for your goals. how else will they ever believe they can reach for theirs? but if you aren’t quite there yet cuz the kids are too needy at this stage, rest in all the wonderful things you have become. I’m so proud of the mother and wife I have become and that I’ve learned how to do so much I wasn’t good at before. Its amazing how much kids can make a person grow. A mother’s love is a powerful thing! I hope you are all able to find ways to THRIVE!

here’s a link to the video I just posted if you want to check it out. https://youtu.be/mM9Lml-zuvU

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